Divorce is usually a stressful and expensive process for all concerned. Even after the tidiest of divorces, both spouses usually have to quickly adapt to a drastically different idea of what is a normal day. This is often accompanied by periods of doubt and uncertainty, depression, loneliness, financial strain, and maybe even elation. There are a number of key things the individuals of a divorcing couple can focus on to help them maintain an active, healthy routine, and avoid the pitfalls of getting stuck in self-destructive spirals, or keep from getting caught in a stagnant rut.

It is normal for either spouse to feel depressed, betrayed, and insecure about their future following the dissolution of a marriage. After all, so many major changes in one's life is good reason enough to be concerned. But if during this process, you find that you're feeling these emotions so frequently and acutely that they encroach on your ability to function normally on a day-to-day basis, you need to take steps to keep your life from getting beyond your control. Trying to maintain a positive attitude is probably an unrealistic expectation to place on someone going through an especially negative divorce, but it pays to reflect on the fact that, even if you didn't want the marriage to end, you are now free of a person who was not working well for you. In that context, divorce can be an opportunity for an individual to begin taking a more proactive approach to making sure they do get what they want out of life.

Below we discuss a number of things you can do if you find that you are not coping well, to keep you on track.

Counseling: The chances are, you have a lot you want to say to someone, but there's no guarantee that someone really wants to listen to it all. Talking to a qualified counselor is a good way of getting your thoughts in order, and getting some feedback on your situation from an intelligent, interested individual. This is particularly recommended if one of the causes of the breakdown of your marriage was abuse by either spouse.

New Occupation: You might consider getting a new job, or getting yourself into higher education to further your studies. Keeping yourself occupied is always a key step in dealing with depressive tendencies, and if your divorce has introduced financial strain, a job is the natural answer to this.

Engage in a new hobby or past-time: This doesn't mean we necessarily suggest you start collecting stamps, but we do suggest you find something you enjoy doing that takes you outside your old routine, and make a point of doing it on a regular basis. This might mean taking weight training or swimming, getting (and walking) a dog, or just going to a garage sale every Saturday afternoon. Ultimately, it should be something that leaves you feeling better afterwards, that you enjoy doing.

Enforce a new routine: If you are having trouble maintaining motivation and ambition, this step is highly recommended. Creating a new routine for yourself is easy enough, and there's reason enough to do it. First, make a short list of things you want for yourself, be they material possessions, or goals to achieve in the intermediate future. It doesn't matter what you put on this list, so long as you have a clear and distinct idea of what it is, and it's feasible for you to get it. With this in hand, write yourself a daily and weekly planner, listing all the things you need to get done. How you go about this can vary. One method that works well is to create a day planner that has all the things you need to do every day, with blank space left over so you can write in individual things you don't do on a recurring basis. It might help to buy a diary or use computer software for this.

When writing your planner, make sure that the ultimate result of completing all the tasks (no matter how rudimentary they are) on a given day is to move you closer to the goals you wrote down to begin with. In this way, you know that by sticking to your planner, you will get the things you need to get done, and will always be moving closer to the things you want to do. Finally, be realistic. If you fall off the routine after a couple of weeks, don't just forget it. Either look at where your expectations for yourself departed from what is realistic, and if applicable, modify your routine to suit. It will take some reiteration to get it right. If there was no good reason for dropping your routine, just get right back into it and try again. Don't let it just be forgotten.

Refresh old contacts, and make new ones: If you're lonely, make an effort to get into contact with any old friends you've drifted away from. Unless your divorce was particularly bitter, don't be afraid to contact people you considered mutual friends before the divorce out of fear that they're "my ex's friend, not mine". The chances are, people will be more sympathetic to your situation than you'd expect. Make a point of maintaining regular social contact with people for its own sake, even if it means simply calling or seeing your parents or friends more regularly.

Companionship: Someone to share intimacy with is a human biological necessity. If you're ready for it, consider getting back into the game. Countless scientific studies have left no doubt that sex is a fun, healthy way of relieving stress.

Tend to your children: If there are children involved in the marriage, this is probably the most important step of all. Quality parenting time spent with your children is of paramount importance during and following a divorce, just as it is at any other time. Avoid being so self-absorbed that you fail to notice that your children are at risk of going through just the same insecurities and stresses that may be affecting you. Left unresolved, lingering issues like this increase the incidence of severe psychological and emotional issues with your children later in life by 10% compared to children of married couples.