Marriage And Separation Advice

We see reports about the number of people getting divorced. Some reports tell us the average length of a marriage and how many marriages have a spouse or spouses who are re-marrying. We even hear about de facto couples splitting. But where are the reports which analyze why marriages fail?

It's fair to say that there is no one cause for any divorce. There are often several factors, sometimes many. But those who interview couples and try to analyze why their marriage failed have come up with several reasons named as common causes of divorce. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Communication. If you think of a ship and its crew or a sporting team and its players, you'll understand how important it is to communicate with everyone involved. Things need to happen when sailing and commands must be clear, timely and acted upon. In a game of football or baseball, it's essential that players on the same team communicate with one another. The way to win is to keep in touch and to do so whenever necessary. If there's a problem in your marriage and you try the silent routine or the bury your head in the sand response, you are heading for divorce. Keep open the lines of communication.
2. Money. How many people fall out over money? Married couples certainly but so too business partners, siblings and traders and customers. The love of money is supposedly the cause of all evil and it's definitely the cause of arguments, fights and court actions. One spouse spends money without telling their partner. One spouse loses their job and the combined income falls and they can no longer buy certain things. The problems all come back to money. Couples who are economically successful (not necessarily rich) are less likely to argue and thus head towards divorce.
3. Cheating. It doesn't matter who is involved, for how long and why, infidelity hurts. It often hurts both partners. Many marriages survive infidelity but many don't and it features often as at least one of the causes of divorce. Of course there are couples who are faithful to each other but who still divorce but if you're tempted to stray, understand that cheating can cause a giant chasm in a relationship.
4. Wrong expectations. Children can suffer greatly from having the wrong expectations. They are promised a treat be it a visit, an outing or a present and the promised event fails to happen. Expectations are dashed. The same can be true of some marriages. One partner thinks the world of their spouse and wants to live happily ever after. But we are all human, we all have faults. Don't see your partner as the perfect person. Be prepared to discover faults which you either didn't know about or thought would never cause a problem. Be hopeful and confident but don't allow your expectations to reach heights which mean they are never realized.
5. Commitment. A marriage is a partnership and it takes two people to make it work. If both partners don't care about the relationship it is almost certainly doomed. But if only one partner doesn't commit wholeheartedly to the marriage, this can still be the undoing of the marriage. Both partners need to commit. If that means making sacrifices, then that's what commitment is all about. Without a solid support for the partnership from both partners, divorce is a very real prospect.
6. Addictions. Sadly alcohol and drugs are an ever-present part of today's society and many married people get caught up in substance abuse. So often the beginnings are seemingly harmless. A few drinks or a sampling of a drug. Once the addiction takes over, a person's life is often in turmoil. If they are married, they are very difficult to live with. If your partner is involved in alcohol or drug abuse, professional help is often the best way. And the sooner the better. Addiction is a definite cause of divorce.
7. Sex. Of course the intimate and physical side of a marriage is important and yes, problems in this area can cause stress and lead to divorce. But as people get older and, hopefully, mature, they realize that personal happiness is not centered only on love-making. Having children, being healthy and successful and growing together as a couple are just as important. Any couple experiencing difficulty with their love life can seek professional help.
8. Mid-life crisis. The exact definition of this phenomenon varies from person to person but in men it usually means a desire to change job, location and/or lifestyle. They think their life is getting to the stage where they need a new challenge. And it's possible they may but such an abrupt and seemingly selfish determination can have a big impact on their partner. Massive change may be scary or unnecessary to the spouse. The turmoil from this new lust for life can be the cause of many a divorce among couples who have been married for many years.
9. Little things. It seems hard to believe that a partner's snoring is the cause of a marriage failure but it may be true, at least in part. Not being able to get enough sleep can be enormously stressful but you would think a loving partner would find another bed or bedroom or seek professional help. But if a marriage is under strain for another reason such as money troubles, a small thing like snoring could be the straw to break the camel's back.
10. Society. The rules regarding divorce today have changed dramatically. Separation for as little as a year with the sole grounds in many countries being the desire that one or both partners want a divorce. Some argue that marriage is still an institution which needs commitment and that divorce is far too easy. The fact that you can gain a divorce on-line and never attend a court only adds to this argument. Divorce is easy. But that's what society has determined and so, for better of worse, that's what we're stuck with. It may not all be bad. And it's certainly just one of the many causes as to why people get divorced.

Here are additional resources you might be interested in:

Is Adultery the Main Cause of Divorce?

Is Bankruptcy a Cause of Divorce?