Some people rush into marriage but most of us take our time. We date for months or years and may then be engaged for quite a while. But what happens if the marriage doesn't appear to work? Is divorce the answer? Should you get a divorce?
It may well be the answer. In fact it may turn your life around and be the best or one of the best things you've ever done. But before you take the decision to seek a divorce, ask yourself a number of divorce questions. At the end of this test, you may well decide that divorce is not the answer.
Separation. Many couples try separation to see if they can sort out their marriage problems. And this can be anything from moving to another town, state or even another country to actually staying in the same house. You need separate bedrooms obviously and preferably separate other rooms as well although small abodes can work. If you find you miss your partner and that you'd like to give your marriage another try, divorce is no longer an option.
Feelings. Despite the troubles, maybe arguments and seemingly difficult times, how do you feel about your spouse? If you still care for them despite your ructions, then divorce should not be top of your priorities. Find a way to sort out the problems because the basis of a good marriage, love, is still alive and well.
Original reason. Why did you marry your spouse? Was it really a marriage made in heaven? Many couples find that once the bliss of wedded life wears off and the nitty-gritty of day to day living begins, their spouse is not quite who they thought they were. Maybe your spouse feels the same. The point is you may have married for the wrong reasons. If so, divorce is really your best option. It's called cutting your losses.
What's the Problem? If your marriage is not working, you need to ask why. Why are you thinking or talking about divorce. Just because there are troubles doesn't necessarily mean the end. Pinpoint the problem. Once you both know the cause of your angst, you can start work to find a solution. Many couples get into strife and play the blame game. Instead you should hold fire and seek to know what is causing the problem.
Think future. You might believe you want a divorce but have you thought about the future? Will your lifestyle be affected? Do you have debts which you alone could struggle to pay? Where will you live? How much responsibility will you have for any children? Sure, divorce may be the only way to save your sanity but think about the effects once that divorce is granted.
Beware threats. Sometimes a spouse will threaten to divorce their partner when all they're really doing is making a threat. They may wish to get their way or intimidate their spouse. It's a cowardly form of behavior but one to be aware of. Does "I want a divorce" mean "I want to get my way"?
After shock. Yes a divorce will change your situation but will the change be what you want or expect? If you have kids there's a good chance they will become upset, even deeply so. Do you want to inflict this suffering on your beloved child? Today divorce is no longer the shameful position it was in the past but some people don't handle their status well. They see it as a failure. Think about the after shock if and when your divorce comes through. It may change your relationship with your spouse but what will it do to your relationship with your children, your friends and other extended family?
Stay cool. Every divorce carries some form of emotional baggage. Some are much worse than others. If you are going to divorce, are you the sort of person who can remain relatively cool. The court will see you as a statistic. You will become a statistic. But we are human and the emotional side of things will kick in. You need to remain as calm as possible to make sure things go as smoothly as possible for you, your kids and even your ex.
Professional advice. Many people try counseling. Many will tell you it solved their problem. The solution may be that you go ahead and get divorced. Or maybe the solution shows how you and your partner can work through your problems. There are mediators trained in all aspects of relationships including marriage. If both partners are willing to attend and have at least an open mind, who knows what can be achieved?
Balance. It may help to sit down on your own and list the good and the bad about your marriage. List the things which are positive and helpful and then list those things which are destructive and divisive. Once you've finished the lists, give each item a score out of ten. If something is really good or really bad, it may score an 8 or 9. Likewise if something is not really good or bad that may score a 3 or 4. Now add the numbers and see how the good total lines up against the bad total. If you've been honest in your assessment you have the answer to the question about getting divorced there on your paper.
Spying. If you've become secretive about your marriage, if you're checking on your spouse being suspicious of what they may be doing, you're not in a good position to act clearly regarding a possible divorce. It's not wise to isolate yourself, to go into the spy mode. Being open, seeking a way through is far better.
Divorce questions are tough. You're making a decision which could have a serious impact on your health, wealth and future both short and long term. Unless your marriage is a disaster, it doesn't hurt to take your time and work through the issues. We are warned about rushing into marriage. The same could be said for many couples about not rushing into divorce. Take your time, think clearly and be open-minded. Whatever will be will be. Remember there are two sides to every story.
Here are additional resources you might be interested in:
Why More Fathers are Getting Custody
Who Gets to Keep the House After Divorce?
How to Get a Divorce
If you're in the USA and there's no property or finances to settle, then you can do it yourself. There's a number of places online where you can carry out a divorce (which is much cheaper than going through the courts and lawyers).
Legal Zoom's 3-Step Divorce Process can provide quick and easy online divorces.
If you plan to get a divorce in Australia, the
Aussie Divorce Services can guide you.
There's an excellent ebook about deciding whether to
Get a Divorce or Stay In the Relationship. Every couple should read this before making the decision.
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