When you are getting a divorce, it is not a time to be passive or accommodating. Now more than ever, a woman has to be strong and to vigilantly fight for her rights. You have already lost your husband and your happy, intact family, but you can save your children, your home, and finances if you follow a few easy steps.
Your first move in a divorce should be to get a good lawyer. These can be found by asking friends and family or by looking at review sites on the internet. Beware of the lawyers with expensive full color ads in the phone book or excessive television commercials, as they are often not the best. Although lawyers are very expensive, you will need someone to represent your interests, especially if your ex-husband has a lawyer. Not having a lawyer now can mean losing your home or custody of your children. Some judges may order your husband to pay your legal expenses if he was the primary income during your marriage.
Many women in the middle of a divorce are tempted to move out of the family home because of the bad memories and ongoing disagreements with their husband. However, this may set a bad precedent. If you are living in your home when your divorce goes to court, the judge is much more likely to award it to you. The same goes for child custody and visitation; the parent who physically has the children will be the first choice for permanent custody. Your lawyer can advise on you on what arrangement will set you up for the best possible outcome.
One way you can ensure a better divorce outcome is to avoid emotional extremes. Now is not the time to be aggressive or to attack or ex-husband, as this may make the family law judge and mediators see you as hostile and unreasonable. Nor is it the time to give in excessively and be a push-over. You will need to stay in the middle ground of firmly asking for the rights you deserve without anger or judgment. Talking to a friend or even a therapist can help you make level headed decisions and remain calm when it matters most.
Your children will need extra love and quality time, especially in the beginning of the divorce. You should try to be with them as much as possible and to keep their daily routine the same as it was before the separation. There are many good books about divorce that can explain the situation in neutral, child-friendly language. Some may be found at your library. Your children may feel that they contributed to your divorce, so they will need to be assured that this is absolutely not the case. You should tell their teachers, activity leaders, and other involved adults about the divorce. Although this can be embarrassing, your children deserve all the emotional support and understanding they can get right now.
Although it may be difficult, you should do everything in your power to encourage your ex-husband and children to have regular visitation. If he can be involved in birthdays and holidays for the time being, this will create a feeling of normalcy. No one wants to deal with their former spouse, but your children will be much happier if you help them maintain a solid relationship with their other parent. On the other hand, refusing to let your children see their father will look bad to judges and mediators, and may cause them to rule against you in child custody proceedings.
Now is the time to think critically and proactively about your financial situation. You will want to open accounts separate from the joint accounts you used in your marriage. You can use these to safeguard money for your children and your household. You will also need to start thinking about future careers if you do not already have one. Special training for women who are displaced homemakers is available in many areas. Although you may be tempted to take any job that will pay the bills, investing in college and/or vocational training may make a profound difference in your long term financial success.
You should not plan on having the same financial situation after a divorce as you did before. Your family's income cannot support two households in the same manner it supported just one. The amount of alimony and child support you receive will likely not be enough to live on, so you should immediately begin living as frugally as possible. Although there may not be a family support order, you should ask your husband to contribute a regular monthly amount toward your children's upkeep until the divorce and custody situation are final.
You should be as organized as possible during this time and document everything. You should keep track of how often you and your children talk to your husband and what is said. You should save every bill, no matter how inconsequential it seems. You never know what aspect of a divorce may be disputed, so save everything in a neat, easy-to-navigate format until the divorce is finalized and a ruling has been made. It may make a huge difference.
Women often have no problem finding support and camaraderie during a divorce. If friends and family offer help, take it gratefully. There are many support groups and social activities for single parents. Churches and other community organizations may offer special programs for the newly divorced to help them and their children get through this difficult situation. Don't be afraid to ask for help and assistance during this most trying time.
Taking these steps will not make your divorce easy or painless. Divorce is always a difficult and emotionally trying time. However, making the right decisions now can ensure a better future for you and your children. The divorce proceedings will determine your residence, your income, your relationship with your children, and your future, so take advantage of every resource and work hard toward your future as a happy, independent single woman.
Here are additional resources you might be interested in:
Divorce Tips for Men
There's an excellent ebook about deciding whether to
Get a Divorce or Stay In the Relationship. Every couple should read this before making the decision.
Are you on the verge of having a divorce? Read this to
Save Your Marriage.
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