As a man going through a divorce, it would be easy to conclude that the legal system is working against you. Family court judges tend to prefer the mother in child custody cases, even if she is not the primary caregiver or even the better of the two parents. Men often pay alimony to ex-wives, while women only rarely are ordered to pay alimony to an ex-husband. Indeed, men are often the losers in divorce. However, it need not be this way. If men follow a few suggestions, they have a fair chance of emotionally and financially surviving their divorce.
The first thing you should do is identify your goals. Do you want full or partial custody of your children, or would a generous visitation schedule be sufficient? How much alimony and family support do you think is fair? Are there any items you especially want to keep in the division of property? Your wife will most likely be going into court and mediation with a detailed list of what she wants and why she thinks she is entitled to these things. You should be similarly prepared. You may not get everything you ask for, but knowing what you most want will help you re-focus your goals.
Second, you should decide whether you will need legal counsel. Do-it-yourself divorce kits can be very economical if you and your soon-to-be ex-wife can amicably divide up property and child custody. Otherwise, you will need a lawyer as soon as possible, especially if your wife plans to use one. Although it may seem like a huge and unnecessary expense, you do not want to be at a disadvantage in this life changing situation. Getting a lawyer will mean that someone who understands the divorce process and all of the laws involved is on your side.
Although men tend to aggressively attack difficult situations such as divorce, doing so at this time will only put you at a disadvantage. Acting aggressive and stubborn will make the judge or mediators think you are not a reasonable person. They will then make a ruling in your wife's favor. Even if you are feeling enraged at your wife, now is a time to stay calm and collected. Having a cool head, good legal representation, and a short list of goals will make you seem reasonable and increase your chances of getting your desired outcome. Save your anger for after legal papers have been signed and filed.
One area in which you will have to be aggressive is in protecting your financial assets. You should immediately get a post office box or other private address. You do not want to be dependent on your wife's good graces during this difficult time. You also should immediately close all joint bank and credit accounts and open new ones in your name alone. The sooner you separate your financial assets, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your life and your credit record. You should also try to live as frugally as possible during this time. Legal expenses are going to pile up quickly, and you soon will be paying for family support and many other divorce related costs. Divorces are just plain expensive, so cutting back at this time makes good financial sense.
When a couple splits up, the children often go with the mother until a divorce settlement has been reached. If this happens to you, you should make sure you continue to have regular contact with your children. Attend their class plays and soccer games if possible and try to maintain a constant presence in their life. Reassure them at every possible opportunity that you still love them and that you will always be a family, albeit a single parent family. Children often feel like they may have caused a divorce by misbehavior or being difficult. They need to be told often that this is not the case. You should not say anything negative about their mother or the divorce during your visits; not only will this alienate your children, it will look bad to the family court judge. You will want to work out a temporary child visitation schedule with your children's mother as soon as possible. If you show no interest in your children during this critical time, the judge or mediators may give you very little visitation.
Another thing men should do is to seek support and even therapy. Because many men are not good at expressing their feelings, they have a hard time processing the emotional and psychological fallout of a painful divorce. If you are not comfortable going to a therapist, there are divorce aftercare programs available at many churches and community groups for single parents. These will help you realize that you are not alone in your painful situation and offer a place to meet new friends. If you are too shy to share your emotions in a group situation, a therapist can help you work through your feelings in a productive and private setting. Your children may also need a therapist, particularly if this is a contested divorce with many disputes.
Family and friends are another resource you can turn to in times of need. They can offer not only emotional support, but help with balancing single parenthood and maintaining family routines. Your children will enjoy having the same access to grandparents and other family as they had before the separation. Families often want to help their loved ones through hard times such as this. You should thankfully accept any assistance you are offered.
Your divorce will not just be difficult for you; it will be just as hard for your children, friends, extended family, and even your former spouse. You can take comfort knowing that although this is a grueling time in your life, it will pass quickly and leave you free of an unhappy marriage. Taking the right steps will not only help you have the easiest possible divorce, but it will also guarantee you a more successful future as a single man.
Here are additional resources you might be interested in:
Divorce Tips for Women
there's an excellent ebook about deciding whether to
Get a Divorce or Stay In the Relationship. Every couple should read this before making the decision.
Are you on the verge of having a divorce? Read this to
Save Your Marriage.
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