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Wow! If there was ever a loaded question, there it is right there. Considering the effect a divorce has on a child is a monumental task. There are a large number of factors to consider. To say a child will get through a divorce unscathed is, in our opinion, overly optimistic. There are certainly some very resilient children who, in the most amicable resolution, will emerge from a divorce with very few detrimental effect but these children are the exception rather than the rule. Although divorce is between the parents, there is no denying the fact the children are also influenced.
As we have already stated, determining the effect a divorce has on a child is extremely difficult with a number of complex factors contributing to the outcome but we will try to briefly cover this topic in this article. We will do this by discussing how parents can minimize the adverse impact on their children during a divorce and by discussing ways to assist the child during, and after the process.
Keeping the Negative Impact on Children to a Minimum
Although the parents may no longer be able to peacefully co-exist, it is very important for them to remember their decision to divorce is not only affecting them. Their child is also being affected by this decision. In most cases the effect on the children is negative because it represents a crumbling of the once cohesive family unit. During a divorce children may feel as though they are to blame. They may also feel abandoned by one or both of the parents. Simply taking the time to talk to the child throughout the process and explain he did nothing wrong can help to alleviate some of these feelings of self doubt.
To minimize feelings of abandonment, parents should take care to ensure the child sees both parents as often as possible. It is also more important than ever to make sure time spent with the child is truly quality time. If you are the parent who is the primary caregiver for the child, you are at an advantage. Just by having more time to spend with the child, he will feel less abandoned by you. Take care to make your child a priority in your interactions. If you are the parent who sees the child less often, always take time to reassure him you wish you could spend more time together. Also, take the time to call or write between visits to let your child know you are thinking of him always.
Finally, avoid speaking ill of the other parent while you are with your child. This can really make your child feel conflicted. He may want to defend the other parent and resent you for the things you are saying. At the same time, he may want to bond with you but feel guilty for not defending the other parent.
Helping Your Child through a Divorce
When you have children it is always important to remember you are not the only one going through the divorce. You may have your own feelings of sadness and loss over the dissolution of the marriage but you cannot expect your child to be there to bolster you during this time. Your child is also likely distraught over the dissolution of the marriage and needs you more than ever.
One of the best things you can do to assist your child throughout the divorce process is to speak openly about what is going on in a way that is age appropriate for your child. Even the most complex legal processes can be broken down into terms a child of any age can understand. You do not have to give your child all of the details but they should have enough information to know what is going on and what they can expect in the future.
Finally, be prepared to start counseling for your child, if necessary. There are many counselors trained specifically to work with children whose parents are getting a divorce. These professionals have a great deal of experience and can use this experience to help your child navigate through this difficult time. The counselor can also assist you in better advocating for your child by giving you information on the type of custody arrangements that are most favorable.
Here are additional resources you might be interested in:
Child Custody Laws
Talking about Divorce: Listen to Your Children
Children & Divorce - Keep Kids Out of the Middle
Talking to Kids about Divorce - Keep it Real
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