Children and Divorce

Divorce can have a profound effect on children. It's impossible to add up the amount of loss children of divorce experience as their families and households are systematically taken apart and divided. However, there are a few ways to reduce the effects of divorce on children.

The first way parents can help children of divorce is to talk to them about it. Although parents should not involve children in custody and property disputes, they need to create an open forum for discussion. Children often wonder if they caused the divorce and what will happen to them. No one needs reassurance and support as much as children of divorced parents. Psychology and mental health specialists recommend that both parents spend a lot of time anticipating their children's questions about the divorce process and finding age-appropriate answers.

Another way parents can help children deal with divorce is by buffering them from the economic effects of the situation. Although divorce usually brings with it a great deal of financial strain, children don't need to know the dirty details of their family's budget. Parents also should try to provide their children with the same lifestyle they enjoyed before the divorce. Even if the parents have to sacrifice, the children should not pay for the mistakes of adults. Children should not have to hear that paying child support or alimony is a strain for the noncustodial parent. They don't need to know that the custodial parent feels overworked and can barely make ends meet. This will only create more guilt and ambivalence in an already difficult situation.

As much as possible, family routines and traditions should be kept up after divorce. These give the child a sense of stability and belonging at a time when both are in short supply. Losing cherished routines and traditions will only contribute to the profound sense of loss that children feel when their parents divorce.

Divorced parents should try very hard to keep a good relationship and open communication with their former in-laws. Often divorce means not just a break-up of a couple, but a split in the extended family. These shattered bonds and lost relationships can be very traumatic. This is especially true for children of divorced parents. Psychology and mental health experts recommend that parents go out of their way to maintain the children's ties to extended family on both sides. Maintaining relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will create a feeling of security and assure them that some things in life can't be broken. It will also provide parents with another source of support and help at a time when they need it the most.

Some children handle a divorce well. Others may have a hard time with it and be scarred for the rest of their lives. It is important that parents watch their children and be pro-active about dealing with any emotional issues that arise. There are several ways that children of divorce show they are not dealing well with their parents' break up. The first and most obvious sign is that they will show classic symptoms of depression. They may cry, seem sad, or mope around the house. Another sign is having trouble sleeping, or, on the other hand, sleeping much more than usual. Their grades may drop if they begin to have trouble concentrating. Behavioral problems may become an issue at school, home, or both. They may either have trouble eating or turn to food to deal with their unhappiness. Parents who see these symptoms should seek counseling for their family.

Special care should be taken during the first year of separation to ensure that the child's milestones are celebrated by both parents with as little unpleasantness as possible. This may be a sacrifice for the divorced parents, but it will be well worth it. It will assure the children that, although their family has been torn apart, they will still be able to enjoy close, loving relationships with both parents. They will see that even unmarried parents can share events such as birthdays and holidays. Parents can later transition to trading off holidays or splitting them into two separate celebrations, but, for the good of everyone involved, the 'firsts' should be shared by the family as a whole.

Studies have shown that most children are completely recovered from the negative effects of divorce within three years. For some, it may take as long as five years, or they may even never recover completely. However, if the parents and their families are caring and proactive, the children will find a place in their new lives.

Only after the wounds of divorce are thoroughly healed can the parents begin to date and consider remarriage. Just like adults, children need time to recuperate and rebuild their lives. Kids may need even longer than their parents to adjust, so wait until they seem happy and settled to seek out a new relationship. Once parents begin dating, they must balance not only their own feelings, but the feelings and needs of their children. Only partners with a love of children and a willingness to take backseat to the child's needs should be considered for a serious relationship. Steps that most adults take lightly, like going on weekend trips or moving in with each other, now must be delayed until the children are ready. The same amount of caution should be taken in forming step-families.

It's easy to see how a child might feel the effects of divorce even more than their parents. Unlike their parents, they had no fault in the divorce and no choice in the matter. They have no control over whether they lose their home or with whom they live. This lack of control only adds to the unhappiness divorce can cause. Because divorce can be so traumatic for children, it is important that the adults in their life show extreme sensitivity and go out of their way to help the children heal. In the end, a small investment of time now can prevent serious emotional and behavioral problems in the future.

Here are additional resources you might be interested in:

How Does Divorce Affect the Family?

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