Children and Divorce

When your children of divorce want more information than they are getting it is tempting to take them into your fantasy world of a promised tomorrow. You know that for you, life is going to become less stressful and more positive when the divorce is final and you have healed. This might not be true for your kids. Promising them a land of beautiful and happy tomorrows is dangerous because you do not know that you can deliver on such a promise for them.

While it might even be tempting to explain to them that the fighting between you and your spouse will end this isn’t something that you know for sure either. Plenty of children of divorce witness the vicious exchange between their divorced parents during custody transitions. Rather, the more you can keep your flow of information based on the moment and grounded in reality the better your particular children of divorce will fare.

There may be questions that your children ask that you can’t really answer. You might not know if you are going to be able to afford to keep living in the current home or if a move is in your future. You might not know exactly how the custody arrangement is going to work out. You might not be able to explain where things even go from here. That’s acceptable. Informing your children that you don’t have that information at the moment but you will let them know when you do (and sticking with that promise) allows your kids to refrain from obsessing over the details.

The more kids understand about their changing world, the better children and divorce issues can be handled around the family table. The more you can give them concrete yes and no answers the more secure they become throughout the process.

Divorce isn’t always pretty. You may face some pretty uncomfortable situations, find yourself with an unsavory custody arrangement, or discover that your spouse has walked away from his or her kids and the financial responsibilities. Be cautious with how much information you give your kids about these situations. They might notice that the budget got tighter, that they are not happy with the custody arrangement, or that you have periods of increased tension but they do not need to know the gritty details. Children of divorce need real facts to understand what is happening to their world. Waiting for promises to be kept that are out of your reach is not going to help them in the least.