Children and Divorce

Getting divorced and raising children is a tricky proposition for everyone, and your desire to listen to your children throughout the entire divorce process might become a little wanton. Most of us believe that we listen to our children when really what we are doing is multitasking and hearing most of what they say. Making a special time for children of divorce to talk the process through with both parents can give them some added security and a sense of family ties that are very difficult to break.

Sometimes kids ask questions about divorce that are difficult to answer. When you listen to them closely you can often hear the pin in their voice that lets you know whether they are asking their own question or are fishing for information about something that someone else said. Ask them to clarify what they mean. Ask them to explain your answers back to you. Don’t assume that they have knowledge just because they live in the same house as you. The more you engage them during conversations the more you can be sure the information that they are mulling around is a clear representation of what is really going on.

Being honest and open with your children about the divorce and really listening to them are two different things. Sometimes, the best thing to do is tell them that they have your undivided attention and you are not going to say anything for five minutes. Turn off the TV and radio and sit there for five full minutes and let them speak. Don’t think about responses or other ideas. Just listen. For most if us this takes practice. Give them that time every day and you will find that they know they are heard, know that you are there to listen when they need it, and they can express themselves without parental interjection.

Listening is not the strongest attribute of most divorcing parents. There are so many different things on your plate that stopping to really listen can be very difficult. It’s important to remember that while you are getting a divorce your children are experience a huge change in their life that will affect them. They need a parental ear and some understanding along the way just as you need to let out your emotions. By simply listening to children of divorce, their self image and the feelings about the divorce are better overall because they retain their sense of security.