Children and Divorce

Children and divorce is a difficult subject. No matter how young or old your children may be, breaking the news that they are about to be children of divorce is going to be difficult for you. Kids are usually pretty clued into the life that is going on around them. In many cases children are already aware that divorce is imminent and breaking the news to your kids is really just confirming what they already suspect.

Children of divorce need to know that they are not the reason, and that while things will change they are still invaluable members of the family. The younger a child is the more egocentric they are likely to be, which means they are much more likely to blame themselves for the pending divorce.

If one parent has already moved out, it is highly unlikely that you are not going to catch them off guard. Telling them moments before one parent moves out has proven to be controversial. When you and your spouse are aware that the divorce is in your future, your children should know as well.

Remember that your kids have a right to their feelings. Many of their feelings are too complicated for them to understand and they are likely to say some pretty horrible things. The custodial parent is going to bear the brunt of their feelings and they are likely to blame the custodial parent for the disappearance of the other parent. Some couples are handling this by rotating weeks inside the family home and vacating to an apartment during their off weeks. This prevents children from having to move from one home to another and places the burden of consistency back on parents. Depending on the age of the children, this can be a much healthier avenue than the traditional rotation experience.

Children of divorce are likely to experience anger, loss, grief, and even a sense of relief. It is important that you explain to the children at the time that you break the news that their feelings are perfectly acceptable and that you are still a parent. Children and divorce does not mean that children are divorcing a parent. Both you and spouse need to be in charge of their emotions enough to remember that their children still need two parents.

Speaking to your children together to inform them of the divorce is a preferable method of delivery versus allowing one parent to explain the other parent’s sudden absence. Being firm in the idea that the divorce is nobody’s fault, that there is still a family unit, and that their futures are secure is a big part of helping children cope with the potential harm that divorce can have on children.