Children and Divorce

When you talk to children of divorce about the pending changes in their life and the separation from one parent, you can never be sure what type of reaction you will receive. Some children respond with anger, others with concern, and yet others don’t seem to respond at all at first. Children and divorce issues can be complex and there isn’t a divorced parent that hasn’t wondered if they did the right thing when they talked to their kids.

Children of divorce can have some very unusual reactions to the news. Some kids become compassionately concerned about the welfare of the parent that is leaving while others show strong resentment for the parent that leaves. Some children are concerned about who gets custody of them while others want to go so far as receiving a detailed list of who gets what, including the goldfish and the dog.

The most important part of talking to your children about divorce is accepting their reactions and listening to what they are truly saying. It is often helpful to have them speak to a grandparent or aunt and uncle in order to allow them to express themselves in a way that they might not want to do in front of you. This may be especially important for a child who doesn’t seem to react at all for a long period of time.

Over time, a child of divorce is likely to go through many reactionary stages. They may very well go through the five stages of grieving including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. There is no right way or wrong way for them to respond to the news.

Be careful not to give them thoughts that they don’t have. Listen carefully to their questions and offer them reassurance but refrain from offering them information that they will just worry about. For instance, it might not be a concern of theirs that their father might drop out of their lives. Suggesting that it might happen but that they will be okay only gives them more to worry about. Yet, reassuring them when they ask if he is going to drop out of their lives is much more productive.

Sometimes we want our children to respond to the news in a way that makes us feel comfortable. We might expect them to cry so that we can console them. We might expect them to get angry so that we can justify our own anger. Keeping your feelings separate from theirs gives them the chance to have and explore their own emotional response rather than comfort yours.