Children and Divorce

Divorce and children is a highly complex subject, especially when parents start lying to their kids. Children are rather intuitive individuals. They sense when things aren’t right, and living with the silent fear can be so much worse than dealing with the reality. When the family is silent or misrepresenting the facts, kids have a way of making up their own reality which is far worse in their minds. The biggest crushing blow for children of divorce is to overhear the truth. Overhearing that the foundation of their world is undoubtedly going to change can be damaging, especially because most of us have taught our children that eavesdropping isn’t nice and they will be torn between asking questions and not giving themselves up.

When honesty rules with your divorce and children, you set up a situation that kids feel much freer to ask questions and express their concerns and feelings. Their life is going to change dramatically in one way or another and whether they are two or twenty two, kids need some amount of reassurance that they will still be loved, safe, and cared for.

Honesty brings you and your children a sense of capability. When you can take on the truth, deal with the facts, weed through the emotions, and surface on the other side you learn that you have capabilities that outweigh situations. When you (or your children) have to consume all your time with trying to pick out the facts from fiction you tend to not fare as well throughout the process. The prospect of honesty empowers kids and parents to get through a divorce with their sense of reality, structure, and trust in the world around them.

For children of divorce that was riddled with lies and deception, the end result is rather unappealing. Not only do they no longer completely trust their parents, but their frustration and fears are just like the frustration and fears that you have dealing with a spouse who refuses to be honest compounded by their dependence upon you.

It’s not easy to be honest with your children about a divorce. Your desire to protect them, shield them from pain, and avoid their unhappy reactions is normal and even admirable. Parents want to protect their children from pain for as long as possible. However, this is one of those times when every child development expert agrees that protecting your kids with dishonesty is just not going to help them. The divorce is going to happen either way. The question is will the divorce go through with your children still trusting you?