Children and Divorce

When you are talking to children of divorce about the situation at hand, it is vital that you keep your explanations as age appropriate as you can. Sometimes it might seem like you need your child’s approval or understanding so you are tempted to let your five year old know that Daddy had an affair or that Mommy has gambled away the family savings, but this is not the recommended course of action.

Young children of divorce often don’t really comprehend the idea of divorce accurately. You’re better off explaining how the new arrangement is going to affect them and how it is not going to affect them. Children under five often become concerned about everything from who gets custody of the family pets to who is going to come to the pee—wee playoffs tomorrow. They don’t really comprehend, nor should they, terms dealing with sexual infidelity, addiction, failure to “perform spousal duties,” or even the idea of drifting apart.

Children between the ages of 5 and 10 are often most concerned with whether they are responsible somehow, that they will be loved by the parent that is moving out, and that they don’t have to uproot their entire life. Children of this age need a great deal of security as they learn to deal with the outside world via school and social functions and the destruction of their world can shake their confidence. Keeping it simple and addressing their concerns makes talking to children of divorce of this age much more on point.

Older children tend to worry about a host of potential problems. While they secretly might be somewhat relieved if there has been a great deal of fighting or tension in the house, they may also be concerned about their college education and what the specifics of the divorce are. It is still not a good idea for one parent to blame another (by talking about affairs and gambling debts) but it is a good idea to address issues that relate to them.

As a special note, many parents who have suffered a significant loss like the death or disappearance of a child are close to twenty times more likely to divorce. Telling your surviving kids that the divorce is an eventual result of the death or disappearance runs a very high risk of being interpreted as it is the absent child’s fault. This is a slippery slope that needs to be well thought out before talking to a child of divorce under these circumstances.